Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
