the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
