i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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