Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
