I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I did not marry a roomba.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
