Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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