For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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