I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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