i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
