I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Pooping to opera.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
