i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
