she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
