I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
