I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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