dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
