I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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