So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
