Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
