apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
