Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
