If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize