its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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