i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
