Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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