i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
