You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
