Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
