i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I need to align my fucking chakras
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
