Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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