New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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