I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
