I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
