i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
