im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
