i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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