My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
