You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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