you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
