So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
