Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
you had me at cake vodka
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
