i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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