He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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