I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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