Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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