just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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