Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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