Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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