omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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