somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
