i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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