apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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