I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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