I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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