I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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