i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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