She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
